When the First Part of the Journey is Rest

I don't really like processing stuff.

This might come as a bit of a surprise to those of you that know me. I'm usually the one who's all "but you need to process. It's healthy. It'll do you more damage in the long run if you don't."

The one who's in the middle of learning how to help other people do that very thing.

Yeah.

On the surface, it probably looks like I do process pretty well. The thing is, I do. But I do it when it suits me. When it feels comfortable, and not too risky.

Safe. Cosy.

Useless.

I'm getting better at processing the life stuff. Dealing with "this happened" and what to do about it next. I can even do "this happened, and here's how I feel about it" - quite often.

What I'm not so good at is the deeper, heart stuff. The "this happened, and then this is what happened inside" stuff. The stuff that can't be ticked off after going through a series of what, why, how questions.

I'm not good at it because it's hard. Because it requires a level of brave that I really haven't got to yet. Because it means getting through times where a half-second mental replay, or a line in a song - or some other trivial thing like that - can derail me for a week (or more) at a time.

I've been discovering this a lot lately. A lot of that is to do with a great book I've started reading, called Finding Spiritual Whitespace. Although I've only read a couple of chapters so far, it's really drawn attention to something I hadn't realised my heart needed so much: rest.

I've been reading it in conjunction with my dearly-loved trips to the bench and consciously using that time to rest. It's been a real eye-opener, not least because it's made me realise just how much I needed it. Allowing time for me to rest - physically, mentally and spiritually - means giving myself the space, without distractions, to just be. To let my mind wander to the places I don't usually allow it to go. To listen to what God might be trying to say.

As I've begun to do that, things have started to change. Memories and trains of thought are starting to wake up feelings that I hadn't realised had got squashed down, out of sight. Not things I'd suppressed on purpose; just things that had crept up on me at times when I was overwhelmed. I didn't have time to process them properly then, so I just didn't do it at all. This new process isn't fun, but it's necessary. It's hard, and sometimes a bit scary.

But because it's scary, I stop doing it. I run away, and concentrate my efforts on trying to keep my head busy, so nothing else can creep in. I just don't go there. I fill up on white noise instead of whitespace. My default answers have gone back to "I'd rather not talk about it", just  when I was learning how to be honest and really talk about that stuff.

Having had a "derailed" couple of weeks, I haven't allowed myself that time. In fact, I've deliberately avoided it. I want to fast-forward to the bit where it's all over and done with and everything's cool and I can move on to the next thing without worrying about what might sneak up on me next.

When I write, I usually start in the middle, or at the end, and fill in the rest of the words, all higgledy-piggledy, as I find my flow. What starts off as a handful of messy sentences, words and ideas eventually becomes ordered and comes close to making some kind of sense. It's quicker for me to do it that way; finish, upload and then on to the next thing. But I'm learning that life isn't like that. Sometimes I need to plod along the slower path, one thing at a time, from start to finish. And I'm learning that, so often, that start point is real, true rest. The process requires patience, and that's not one of my greatest strengths. (Shocking, huh?)

So, today I've decided that I'm going to commit to keep plodding. Not to give up when the going gets trickier than I'd like. I know that once I get back on the rails I'll notice the difference. That I'll feel more refreshed, freer, more settled. I think I might need a few (gentle) nudges in the right direction, though.

So ask me how I'm doing with it - and don't let me get away with "fine" as an answer ;-)

(Oh, and keep your eyes peeled for a post in a couple of weeks where I'll be giving away a copy of Finding Spiritual Whitespace, along with a few other goodies.)

Blogging today as part of the Beloved Brews link-up: