It’s safe to say it’s been a pretty intense week.
There’s been a whole lot of joy. The feeling when you're taking the first tentative steps into something new, even if you’re not quite certain what that something will be, just yet. The unshakeable sense that it's right, at least for now. The thinking about what’s next.
But oh, how quickly something else sneaks in to try and steal that joy. Filling my head and heart with lies - the worst kind, the kind with a grain of half-truth at the centre. Something that happened before - or that may have been true in the past - that can't be disputed, now being used to paint a picture of a bleak and hopeless future. Pressing me to forget all of the goodness, and instead to focus on the one thing that I'm really struggling with. The thing that I find much, much harder than I'd ever care to admit, even to myself.
It always seems to be sparked off by something so innocuous. A throwaway comment from a friend, certainly not meant to cause any harm; a perhaps-not-quite-so-throwaway comment from a family member. Just enough to let it push its way to the front of my thoughts, and there it stays.
And before I know it I’m looking at the whole of who I am - defining my entire identity - through this lens. The more I do it, the more I cut myself off from everything, and everyone, I love. It's a trap that is so, so hard to escape from, and one I’ve been almost constantly trying to wrestle my way out of this past week.
I’ve been fortunate in a lot of ways. I’ve had people around, things to distract me. Friends who - despite being oceans away - take the time to talk. Others who help reason things out, or find things to distract me and make me laugh, or are just there, willing to put themselves out of their comfort zone to help me out. And I’m so, so grateful for that. I really am.
But it’s not enough.
The distractions are fine while they last, but they don’t last forever.
There’s more I need to do. Something I’ve been putting off, trying to escape from, trying to convince myself I don’t need.
It kept hitting home for me over the weekend. That - rather than going to other people first - I need to take it all to God. He’s the first place I should be going, the first one I should be talking to. And that in itself is a painful process. It’s hard to want to spend time with someone you feel has let you down. Who (and this one’s tricky to own up to) you’re actually kind of angry with.
I guess in the end I just have to trust him. That if he's working in the rest of my life - if he's got a plan - then why shouldn't it be the case with this, too.
I know it's easier said than done. But I know I need to try. So here goes...