That's the main reason it's taken me so long to write. I've been working on this one for just over a week, now.
It hasn't been easy.
The rules I'm talking about are mainly arbitrary ones that I made up myself when I started this blog. And the main one I laid down was that this definitely wasn't going to be a place for me to sit around being negative and wallowing in self-pity. I want it to be thought-provoking; as much for me as for you lovely bunch who read it. I want it to paint an honest picture of my life and my faith journey, yes, but I want to make sure that, as far as possible, it glorifies God.
The problem is, I haven't much felt like doing that lately.
The pieces that I wrote back in September and November are probably the closest I've got to this before. Except this time I don't think there will be a nice, neat little ending, like those two. I'm not really in a "things-can-only-get-better" place.
Sometimes, I'm not even sure that's helpful. I know I've read things that, although I'm sure were written with the very best of intentions, and out of a genuine desire to help people, have just made me feel inadequate. Like there's something wrong with my faith, or my relationship with God, that is stopping everything from being postcard-flawless all the time. The thing is, though, that just seems a little bit superficial sometimes. A bit too glossy, a bit too perfect. I've come away thinking "that's all well and good, but clearly you haven't had to deal with anything like [insert situation here]".
Other times it's just simply a case of the wrong words at the wrong time. I was part of a bible study a few weeks ago, which was looking at failure. The usual stuff about how God works through and out of failure, and it's not the end of the world. All true, of course. Unfortunately, though, it was presented in such a way that I ended up thinking about all of my failures over the past year. Which, in turn, led to me going over all the events of the last 12 months, thinking "what on earth happened?"
[NOTE: I'm not going to name the study: I think the man that made the DVD is great. I have a lot of respect for him, and I've been really encouraged by a lot of his other work, so it wouldn't be fair]
I don't want my writing to be like that. Like either of those. So I'm just going to be honest.
It seems as if this year can be neatly split right down the middle. The first six months were all excitement, hope, anticipation. Fizzing and bursting with opportunity. It felt like I was on top of the world, and anything was possible. Of course, it did have its downs as well, but overall it was a good time.
Then, around the start of July, things changed. Things that had seemed easy before were suddenly much harder. It feels like my stress and worry levels quadrupled, almost overnight. Again, it's not all been bad news. I've had some great times in the middle of it; experienced powerful healing and incredible intimacy with God. But (in quantity, if not quality) the negatives have far outweighed the positives.
Just a steady stream of one thing after another. Weighing me down. And as fast as I seem to get one thing under control, or let it go, something else comes roaring up to take its place:
Losing loved ones, and having to live with the guilt of knowing I never really shared my faith with them.
People taking my words out of context, trying to make me out to be the villain, when I'm not.
Knowing I'm being lied to, but being powerless to do anything about it.
Feeling like hoping and dreaming were just a waste of time; like I'm just setting myself up for disappointment.
Feeling like I'm being robbed of all the good stuff.
All of these, one by one, making me feel more and more stuck. Leading me to sitting in church last Sunday feeling like a complete hypocrite. Like I shouldn't be there, singing those songs, when I felt so angry at God. When only a couple of days before I'd been venting all of my frustration at Him, wondering why He didn't seem to care. Why He was suddenly so quiet.
Normally at this point I'd be preparing the ribbons, ready to tie everything up in a neat little bow of "Everything's going to be OK"
But what do you do when the theory and the reality don't seem to add up?
Today, the truth is, I honestly don't know. I wish I did, but I don't. And I don't really know what to do about that.
Giving up on God isn't an option. I know that much for sure. There are so many times when he has answered me. I know He is still there. I just don't understand what's going on.
I know I'm only 26. I'm coming to realise that it's completely unrealistic to expect that I'll have everything sorted by now. Yes, I'm growing, yes I'm learning. But I still have wobbles sometimes. Sometimes, like now, they're very big wobbles, and I'm not quite sure how - or when - I'll manage to get out of them. All I can do is do my best to keep my eyes on Jesus, and remember the times that He's come through for me before. Trust that He will do it again. Try and be patient, and wait for His perfect timing.
Maybe, just maybe, that'll be enough to get me through the days, one by one, until the fog lifts.
And actually, today was a little bit better than yesterday. Yesterday was a little bit better than the day before. It is lifting, slowly, steadily. I just don't know how long it'll take before I can really see the light again. I hope it'll be soon. I really, truly, desperately hope that it won't be long before I'm telling the tale of a rescue that I can't even imagine at the moment.
For now, I'd really appreciate your prayers. And if you're feeling the same as me, I'd love to pray for you, too - you can leave a comment or email me.
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